binky

Jeff tells me that livejournal is only ever used for whining (and he might be right). He uses his for writing film reviews, which I started to do for a while, but have not kept up with. I rarely keep up with anything, except my family and work. And my family drives me crazy. I'm having a hard time at the moment, here's the breakdown:

I've been living in LA for just over a year now. I've been consistently working, and I enjoy what I do when the people are great (which most of the time they are). I've moved up rather quickly, though I'd really love to move from reality TV to scripted or film, but that comes in time. I work on average 60-70 hour weeks, and on the weekends, lately, I've been seeing my family. I've been having a tough time with my family right now. Since my mom moved back to Santa Monica, I'm having a hard time reconnecting to her. She's not the person who came to visit in July. That person was well adjusted, stable, and understood my situation in relation to her. The person who moved here, is not the same person. The second my mom came back to California she became needy, and completely dependent. She called me about 10 times a day asking questions about LA, bear in mind she lived here for 18 years. Family stuff, like holidays, and helping my parents out, usually falls to me. Whenever something needs to be done my dad asks me to do it. Even when all three of us are home, I'm the one that gets the calls. i get it, I'm the responsible and reliable one. I've tried talking to my dad about it, asking him to call the boys, but he told me I was just being selfish. And even though he completely missed the point of what I was trying to say (that I'm not the only child he has, and could we spread it evenly between his three kids), he wasn't totally wrong.

I am terrified that I have become a completely selfish person. That the only thing I do is work, and all I ever talk about is work. It's hard, because whenever I do something interesting that ISN'T involved in work, I want to talk about that, but I rarely get the chance to. And because I work so much, i rarely have time to do anything else, and so I have very little else to talk about. But I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be the work-aholic that only talks about work and forgets to ask you about your day, and your life. I'm trying to keep myself in check, but it's hard. At least at work, if I'm having conversations, they don't have to be about work, which is nice.

I know I do this about 2-3 times a year, where I say "I've lost myself" and whatever. I don't think I've lost myself, I think I'm missing a part of myself. I need to go out with my camera, write, and try to see people. I need to go traveling and look at the beauty of the world again. I miss it. I miss being able to look outside my own stupid little bubble and recognize how small I am. Make connections with people. See the people who matter to me. After this job I think I have to go abroad for a bit. I think I need a week in tahoe, clear my head, and then go see my friends in england. See some friends in Geneva and Austria. Talk about things that matter.

I've just realized that this whole post was completely Selfish. If you're reading this, please tell me how you are? What you're doing. Where you are now? Let me be completely immersed in your life for a bit, maybe it will help.

I saw ATONEMENT last night, and my goodness, please, all of you, go see this movie!

The films timeline is spectacular. It opens with a young girls' perspective on something, and then retells it through the eyes of the participants. This happens several times, and works wonderfully. The music is pieced together with typewriter typing and a crow bar hitting metal, and turns into a magnificent score. The acting is primarily fabulous, though Kiera Knightly has never been my favorite. The pacing is well done, and the ending is one of the first endings that truly brings everything together without a stereotypical "and they lived happily ever after."

The only problem I have with the film is the way the events are spelled out for you. There are good indications early on to what is truly happening in the film, yet they still feel the need to TELL you everything you should have been able to put together for yourself, had you been paying attention. The ending, though understandably jarring to some, was executed beautifully. The cinematography was brilliant, and the story was strong. There were some incredibly disturbing moments in the film, but they were not exploited, and were subtle additions to it, rather than jarring experiences that pulled you out of your voyeristic mode.

The film is over all brilliant and I highly recommend it, go see it.

Alright, for those of you who dont remember, I am a huuuuuuuuge nerd. Just thought I'd clarify before going into description about Comic-Con, the ultimate geek fantasy.

Friday morning I asked my dad if we were going up to the lake (cause that's what we'd discussed), he said he didn't think so, so i said how about san diego? Comic-con was down there, I'd told him about it, told him who was going to be there, and he automatically jumped on it, and that night we had reservations at this vacation resort (pretty much Chevy Chase's nightmare) and tickets for saturday, which was reportedly sold out, yay dad!

So we got there about 930-10ish and i went to meet my friends are the simpson's panel, my dad went to the ultimate marvel universe panel. The simpsons turned out to be really boring, cause the movie already premiered, so there wasnt much to discuss. So i left and went over to the ultimates panel, and met my dad. IT was cool, Jeph Loeb and Joe Qasada spoke, and they were hilarious and awesome. Then we went to get in line for the Heroes panel, that was wrapped around the building at 1115 for a 1245 panel. My dad went to go find a better way in, and the minute they told us there was no way we were getting into the panel, my dad called and told us he was in, and to sneak through the catering entrance while he distracted the security guard, haha, itw as awesome.

So heroes was fucking hilarious. The entire cast just gets along so well, it was awesome. So the guy who plays Mr. Bennet came out wearing a shirt that said "i am just a paper salesman" with big hornrimmed glasses on it. Ando, Noah and Ali came out, boring. Greg Grunberg came out wearing a shirt that said "milo is my hero." Milo was wearing a "heydan is my hero" shirt, Masi was just awesome, and the rest of the cast was cool too. THey all joked around a lot. Saddhi, who plays Suresh could hardly get a word in cause every time he went to speak, all the girls would start cheering. Finally he leaned intot he mic and said "My father's research" and greg told the audience that he was beautiful man and he should say it agian, he did and then they fake made out, it was great. Greg gave his first shirt to a man whos wife gave him a present, the first shirt was signed by the whole cast. Hayden talked about running someone over in the first season and, "thats what you get for trying to rape the cheerleader." We saw clips from next season. Masi almost stripped and fixed the sound system at the same time. Pretty much everyone was hilarious, and wonderful, and I had a blast watching them.

Next up was the disney panel I sat through a really boring presentation on the lion with and the wardrobe Prince Caspian. An then Pixar was up with Wall-E. Its the story of earth in the future, we've poluted the place beyong inhabitation. So everyone goes on these luxurious cruise star liners and these compacting robots (WALL-E's) are left behind to clean up earth. Somethign happens and we dont come back, and theres only one robot left working. Its a love story, and its all about sound. The guy who did R2D2 is doing the sound and it looks amazing.

Then came the Marvel Studio's panel. This was awesome. Edward Norton and Liv Tyler came in for The Incredible Hulk. Norton wrote it and is starring in it. It looks completely different from The Hulk. Next was Iron Man. NOw this was really cool. John Favreau, Terrence Howard, Gwyneth Paltrow and Robert Downey Jr. Completely hilarious. The footage looks amazing, and Robert Downey Jr. is perfect for Tony Stark.

The floor was awesome, and i had a great time walking around all the booths, though I couldn't stay for long. The next day we hung out at the pool and then went to see Avenue Q, which was fucking hilarious. The musics great, but the show's even better. I wont spoil it for anyone, but the "Bad Ideas Bears" were the best part!

that's all for now folks! oh, the simpsons movie's hilarious, you should go see it!

Director: Clint Eastwood

By far one of the best films of the 2007 Academy Awards. I understand that Marty Scorcese's time was up, but honestly, Clint blew it out of the park with this one. The first half an hour is long and slow, building up the scene, explaining what the island was before the General gets there, very little music, all shot in this muted almost over exposed film, and drags it out until the landing of the American troops. The tension built between the characters, the distrust amongst leaders because of Japanese ideals and honour, all reveal themselves at strategic and intriguiging points in the film. The clash between the generals Western training with Asain honour and idea of dying for your country. A very specific scene just grasps the audience for a full 2 minutes, putting them through the horror the main soldier is living through, no music, no extravagances, just utter terror and sheer overwhelming horror. The war scenes put you completely in the middle of the battle, there is no music behind it, throwing the audience in with the characters. The message is a bit cryptic, showing that only the leaders with American experience are the ones with any hope of getting their soldiers through the horror of Iwo Jima, but does show some attrocities from the American side of the fighting. Having not seen Flags of our Fathers, who's landing scene is said to not only highly compare with Saving Private Ryan, but to better it, I can say that all warfare scenes seem completely authentic, and the entire film throws its spectators in with its characters, catching your breath and holding on to it until the very end. The use of different film types of color and exposure differentiates the different time periods well without the use of subtitles. Overall a masterpiece and I highly recommend it.

alright, so im going to try to take this opportunity to start writing reviews of the films i see. protected posts will not be about films, but the open posts will, so feel free to ignore them if you are not interested.

First up, the latest film I've seen:

A PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION:

Now I know this one went over a lot of people's heads, and a lot of people did not like it, but for Robert Altman's last film, I think it was brilliant. There were some troubling spots, plots not fully dealt with like loose ended love stories, and unfulfilled parent knowledge, but all in all, I found it delightfully entertaining, despite Lindsay Lohan. The story is of the last on air performance of a small town, country music radio station. It's held in a theater, guided by Kevin Kline who plays a phenominal slap stick comedy misplaced 1940's Mr. Noir character who used to be a Private Eye, but because its now 2006 (when it came out) he works as security for the theater the show is at. Meryl Streep and Lilly Tomlin are priceless together, always have been, and always will be. They play two sisters of 4 or 5 who have been singing together for about 40 years now, and they are the remainders of the act. Woody Harrelson and Tom C. Reilly play a duo of cowboys who play naughty songs that are just hilarious. There's an angel and Tommy Lee Jones who is about to buy everything to shut it all down. Everyone is just hilarious in the film, and though it jumps a bit back and forth between the characters, it is thoroughly enjoyable and worth a good laugh, as long as you put yourself in the mindset that this is not a typical hollywood film.

hey guys,

just for any of you that dont already know:

I will be home in santa barbara for winter break. It is a great possibility that I will be having surgery over the break, so if you're far from me, I would love to see you, but its highly doubtful that I will be able to travel at all over the break. I am planning to be coming back to Norwich in January, so hopefully that's not out of the question.

hope to see you all over break! im there from Dec. 14th-Jan13th just give me a hollar on the cell, i still have the same number

the list of my fears matches the lists of my loves. i stand in the dark awaiting the moment of light that will let me tackle my loves with all my passion and enthusiasm, but I fear that day will never come. I write for a few minutes and stop, my hands cannot find the keys to the words that will become my story, but my will keeps pushing me, saying that they must. the words never come. the action that must become direction sits behind idle lips, yet screaming for attention, that light never gets released. i aide in others accomplishments of the dreams i seek to enjoy. i work to understand how to become better, and i know the only way is to do it, but how? when my entire being hides against it? my core, the very make up of me sees that i cannot bear to undergo the fear of failing, knowing that my story will never accomplish the heights i seek for it.

buut how will we ever succeed if we fail to try? there is no possible way. we must push ourselves to udnerstand that we cannot win without experiencing loss. we cannot succeed without experiencing failure. and we cannot learn without experiencing ignorance. our bodies grow, as do our minds, and our tolerance for failure shrinks. as children we fail all the time, trial and error are the most common ways of learning, but as we grow older, we fear that failure. what should happen should we fail? we are taught that failure is not an option, but I say it is an essential option. how will we learn if we do not fail? our shortcomings help us grow, and we must embrace them as beautiful before we can cast them aside as no longer useful.

so i had my first break today. I was talking to one of my fabulous film friends from home, and its his bday, and I love him, so we were talking. He told me that I come up in conversation a lot because people are wondering how I am and if anyone's talked to me, and how its going to be a quiet year without me, and that they miss me. I felt so loved, and missed them so much that I started crying (much like I am now), because i am so blessed with this amazing friends, but because of my choices for new experiences, I can't see them for 9 months. They might come to visit, and that would honestly make me like the happiest person ever. So yeah, that was my first break.

As for the rest of it, I've had 2 classes so far, and both are VERY cool! 16 mm production baby! Its awesome! but it makes me miss the film geeks back home. I feel like there will be a lot of reading, but minus that, the classes aren't too difficult. I have some wonderful friends, all of whom happen to be non-english, but theyre amazing. My flat is entirely american, but theyre great, and ive been out almost every night ive been here...its nuts. Im becoming an alcoholic, and a beer consoure.

I think im heading to london this weekend, so we'll see what happens. I'll update soon.

tell me whats goin on with you, I miss you all!!!

alright so...

yesterday i met up with a friend of a friend, his name is felix, and hes quite a character. english through and through, and has the same opinion as me on all of our mutual friends (cause we love them, but we worry), and very similar taste in tv and film (he loves the west wing AND SOMEWHERE IN TIME --cough cough preston). He took me to camden market which really reminded me of ben yehudah street in jerusalem, but um....with a punk twist. haha. there were lots of piercing and tatoo parlors, and lots of interesting people. theres a great store called FOPP! that sells cds and dvds for super cheap though, im in love! i got a copy of michael jacksons hits and the book the princess bride for 9 pounds...thats a deal! but everything else is soooo expensive that i just wont buy it here.

we then met up with joshy duvendeck for some dinner, a walk through regents park at night (um...not the smartest idea in the world), and then some drinking with him and his roommates at his flat. then we had to speed out of there so felix could catch the train home, but no dice grandma! he missed it and ended up crashing on my floor. haha...oh the adventures. so we asked for a blanket at the front desk and the guy was soooo mean, i was not a fan. but i couldnt sleep like, at all, so im super tired. and i have to get to holborn hall for orientation (which i passed by accident yesterday), and i have so much baggage! damn the parentals..... so i have to take a cab, sadly, which is just soooo expensive.

im reading this book by jonathen safron foer (he did EVERYTHING IS ILLUMINATED, which you should all read), its called EXTREMELY LOUD AND INCREDIBLY CLOSE. Its the story of an 11 year old boy whos father was killed in 9/11. His father left behind a key in a vase in the top of his closet and it was in an envelope with the word "Black" written in red ink on it, and the little boy, oskar, is trying to figure out what it goes to. I keep starting to cry every time i read more of it, but its so beautiful. it makes me sad and homesick, but i cant stop reading it. So yes, I am homesick, and yes, I do miss all of you, but I think after about 2 weeks, Ill be ok.

talk to me, i need to hear your voice

hey all,

just letting you know that i got here safe, and i have a local number you can call, so if you want it, let me know, and i'll get that to you. time to go meet friends, so i will talk to you later!!!

So Im all packed, and ready to go. I have one larger rolling bag, a travel backpack and a rolling backpack, thats all. But it still seems like too much. I'm really freakin out at the moment, but at the same time I'm ready to go. I didn't actually think id make it here. Flights at 330 tomorrow, I get in at 930, and I'm on my own. I know where Im going, and how to get there, but once I'm there, I don't really have a plan. im hoping to see josh, and alana and abe, but I dont have a phone to call them, but pay phones should work, and maybe they can help me get set up with one, we shall see.

for now, I think im going to go to bed, and hopefully sleep...goodluck doing that!!!

what if its possible that the person you're meant to spend your life with doesn't live in the same time as you? what if you spent your many lives just missing each other? I watched SOMEWHERE IN TIME today, and I honestly can't think of a more touching and heartfelt love story. It really makes you believe in it, and man, Christopher Reeve can't hurt either, ahaha. But honestly, what if you were destined for someone, but something went wrong, and you just kept missing each other throughout all eternity? This woman, Elise, spends her whole life waiting for the man she loves, and you just mourn for her. the heartache and loss she must have endured for her years..."come back to me" was all that was fitting.

if you haven't seen this film, do yourself a favor, and go rent it. its become a cult classic over the years, and is quite possibly the most beautiful film I have ever seen. But to even have a tenth of the happiness they shared together, the horror in her voice as she cries "Richard!" you know she can't live without him, and he without her. and thats what it's about. imagine becoming so transfixed with one's image....ah, to live in the movies.

they knew what a marvel it was they were creating. the moment he sees her picture, he wouldn't let them show him the picture beofre he had to see it on screen, so it was veiled until he absolutely must see it, and his reactions genuine, oh to have worked with christopher reeve.....that would have been something to write home about.

ok, quick update: i got my injection today, and am going to be packing tomorrow. i got a call from ROBERT ZEMEKIS' office, and will be helping them out next week, hopefully i can push that for the next summer...we shall see. but seriously, i get to do some work on BEOWOLF!!! thats friggin HUGE!!! for those of you who don't know who robert zemekis is, he directed all 3 back to the futures, cast away, forest gump, what lies beneath, the polar express.....and many more

its been an interesting couple of days:

After moving out of davis, i came back for physical therapy, and i was going to have a talk with my trainer, but he decided to have it with me first. ive been there for 3 weeks, and we havent made any progress. all were doing is calming my back down, we havent done any strength building. so we discuss my options, and its really that im going to get another injection, and then hopefully the pain will go away long enough to build up some strength (and change my entire build) so that we'll start fixing me rather than calming me.

my mom and i have been going at it all summer, and ive been really mad about something, but i dont know what, and ive been taking it out on her. granted, ive had just about as shitty a summer as can be, but my mom doesnt deserve to be treated like that, and i feel pretty much like the most rotten daughter in the world. its not been the greatest at home, but she doesnt deserve that.

a very good friend of mine, prety much a sister, gave me a call today really upset. shes in town, and i went to go see her, and find out whats up. well, she and the boy are having issues. so we had a loooooong talk about it, and it was very interesting, shes older than me, but i gave her all the wonderful sage advice i could muster from having gone through the same exact situation in may. unstable, dont know where they are, yadda yadda yadda, boys not good enough for her, and he needs to get his head straight and realize shes amazing (or ill kick his ass, haha, hes actually a lil intimidated by me) but it was interesting. ive come a loooong way from the beginning of the summer, and im actually happy! who woulda thunk. (happy relative to the beginning of the summer, i still have stuff to deal with)

on the bright side i straightened my hair and i dont think ive ever gotten so much attention....weird

night!